Nanouk
I was eleven years old. Shy, silent. Ready to go to high school. Too young to stay home alone, so I have to go to all the birthdays where my parents went. Unsuspectingly, I was looking forward to you when you came in …
All I saw was an arm, when I got a blow to my heart. Literally …
I fell in love instantly. That one second was too short to judge whether I really liked you (tall boy with dark red hair and green eyes). My breath stopped, I could no longer move. I thought about you for a whole year, because after that year I would see you again in high school. And so it happened …
Red cheeks, big eyes, deep looks … without ever exchanging a word. Intense is the only word I can use to describe this experience. That we did not exchange a word made me crazy. Crazy with love and sorrow. I sought refuge with other friends, but I did not let you go. It took three years before my feelings for you were over. Were it not five years later that you suddenly planned the same vacation with your girlfriend and made the same trip as me. I was nineteen years old, together with my boyfriend (which I didn’t really like). Suddenly I saw you. I knew you from somewhere, but from what? It was your eyes that shook me up. A blow to my heart, it was you who reminded me of true love again …
I write this with a smile. Our goal is and was not to come together, but to feel pure love.
I now also feel pure love for my best friend. Sweet, spontaneous, wise girl of twenty-two years old (three years younger than me). With her beautiful brown hair, large brown eyes and her pure appearance, she attracts many people. Many who claim her, want to own her for her energy. Not me …
What we have is pure. We have known each other for many lifetimes, we know that. We must have walked through Atlantis together and done ceremonies. Our bond goes so deep, we feel each other from every distance. We do exchange spiritual experiences like no other. It is the core from which we live. We two have nothing to do with each other. We are like sisters, our love for each other is great. I do not know how long you will be with me, since life on earth is difficult for you. Yet I know you will never be far away.
Attract / reject, flee / claim. And there … there you are. My source of inspiration. The trigger to type out my story, to see the world.
I was sixteen when I met you, you were my ‘brother-in-law’. Sweet cheerful boy, two years older than me. You were there for me when it got terribly out of hand between me and my ex-boyfriend. It was prevented, partly by you, that he would leave traces in my neck.
Years have since passed. In those years I kept meeting you every now and then. Usually together with your girlfriends, out with your friends, at school (we did the same training) and even with the psychologist.
“Look how sweet he looks at you,” a friend told me two years ago. We came across you when we did Santa Claus shopping. ‘Is he not for you? What a nice boy. “
‘No!’ was my full answer. “Well, I don’t know.” Followed soon. I do know that he will be sending me a message soon, watch it! So sure I was so little, so little happened. There was no message, how strange. Maybe I put a lot of things in my head.
Was it not a year later that I received a message from you in exactly the same period?
Oh, I knew immediately where this was going. Appointment friendly? No, it is not. There you were at the door. Your eyes open. Your appearance so loving. You didn’t have to say anything, the love was already settled. A hug, so intense. You said you stood with your mouth full of teeth.
You turned out to be very spiritual, you didn’t tell me anything new. It’s like I’ve known you for years. When you are with me so much heat is released. You even pass on energy to me. So much love, I prefer to crawl into you. “Why do you know how to calm me down?” “Why are you the only one who knows where to tickle me?” “You know me better than anyone.” Sweet words that you tell me describe how our band looks.
I know you better than anyone. I know and feel things I cannot know. You don’t really like that.
The first time I pushed you away from me was when everything went so fast. Within one week I was your girlfriend, while you were not yet done with a previous love. I didn’t want this. I told you this was not the right time. You didn’t let me know anymore. You dropped me like a brick. I was devastated. So excited that it even made me feel depressed. So lonely, I was no longer myself. My very best friend can also confirm this.
When my grief turned into anger and I slowly let go of you, you decided to turn up again. There you stood in front of me in the pub, yelling and screaming that you wanted to talk to me. You wanted to explain it to me. Too late, I was with another. But oh, how I wanted that night that you were the one who kissed me. You wanted contact, but I didn’t think this was fair to the other. You wanted to know what I felt for you, I have never been so honest …
Two months passed. At the end of those two baskets I broke contact with the other man in my life. It wasn’t him. I wanted to call you, but decided not to. You took the initiative and called me crying. It didn’t go well with you … there you were again before me … Just as intense as before, but something had clearly changed.
You don’t want me to be as close as before, you run away from me. You are almost never physically there, except when you have to charge yourself. Then I feel just like you …
You call me every now and then or send me a message, but I look for your rapprochement … you are gone again. You tell your deepest secrets to my best friend, but not to me. You are ashamed. You don’t know how to tell me this. You hit me. You hit my pain. I feel rejected, too little. I feel such a deep love for you. I want to let you bathe in my love, but you won’t let me. You are and share with everyone except me.
I’m getting too close you say. You don’t want a relationship with me, you can’t handle a relationship. I feel sick when I think of you. I try not to think about you, but then I get to see images of you or see you in my dreams. I mourn because I know I have to let you go. I am in pain, I feel your pain but also mine. I feel so lonely and so little.
I now know that you are my soulmate. The perfect partner, but not in this life. We are here to touch each other’s pains, to shake each other up. We are not meant to be in a relationship. This hurts so much, but now I know that soul love is not automatically linked to a relationship.
You will stay in my life, but in a different form.
That true love does not take long and is also a soulmate is a consolation. I know I’m going to be happy. I know I’m not going to make you happy as a partner and you won’t make me happy. We must both learn our lessons and our meeting is one of them.
But we’re going to be happy. Perhaps that is sometime together, perhaps not.
My love for you will never pass, even if you stand next to me or are far from me.