Lotje

He came to me five years ago. And the moment he looked at it, I felt in every body cell that something very special was going on here. I was not looking for a relationship and I really did not know what happened to me. I was shocked and slammed shut. I also saw two children in a flash. A girl of about three years old and a baby in his arms. We only discussed this together last week. He now indeed has those two children. When I told him what I had seen that first meeting, he said; oh, so you already know them?

I am currently very confused by the severity of all this. We have met briefly a few times in recent years and each time there was recognition and also the uncertainty of the unknown. Running away, attracting, shedding … We both tried to enter into a relationship with someone else, to seek happiness in something less confrontational. And of course … that doesn’t work. I soon realized I wasn’t going to be happy like that and broke my relationship with someone who was nice but didn’t hurt me. He lasted longer and so now those two children and married.
I have now felt numb for two years. When he told me about the first baby. My heart broke and I got cold inside. I am a musician and could not play anymore, my emotions were hidden, my passion was extinguished. Various other difficult life issues demanded my attention and tried to forget him. Hmmm … doesn’t work either.

When we finally saw each other again last week, we flew in, looked into each other’s eyes and started talking. Holding on to each other’s hands, we discussed everything that has happened in recent years. He really knew everything! My feeling told me for a long time that he is not happy so I asked him about it…. and first he said; I’m trying my best. And later it turned out that he is not happy. Of course I already knew that, but getting that confirmation is bizarre. I also know that he must follow his own pace and his own path. And I don’t want to be the reason for his marriage to fail!
But a lot has happened to me since our meeting last week and that is tough and also nice. I have a piece of myself back. I can make music again, I can play and sing again, I can feel again! He released that with me again. So now the emotions are running through my body and I am impatient and I want more contact. He lives more than 1000 KM away but I feel him so close. I feel alone without him while I also know that he is there, is part of me, and I can never lose him.
He himself thought that I could play keys in a project of his … then we could be more together and get to know each other and ourselves better. I hope it will happen. It feels good. This is what we have to do. I think that encountering your twinflame happens when it is necessary for both of them to grow and move on the path that you have to go.

The distance is an obstacle. The intensity of the feelings is sometimes also an obstacle. And of course he has a family, for which he fights to make it work. And I have to give him time to do and learn what he needs to learn. In the meantime, I’m going to get my life in order here so that I’m ready for it if he decides to come my way. If he never decides to do that, I hope that I have been able to make my life worthwhile … without my love. I love him so unconditionally that I want to see him happy. With or without me. If he is happy then I can become it too.