Unknown

I walked into the room and I knew right away that I wanted to be with him. This had not happened to me in 6 years. I had a happy relationship for 6 years and yet every cell in my body was drawn to him. He, too, had a relationship, but he already indicated that it didn’t go very well. Our feelings were not allowed to exist I was the expert and he came to me to learn, not to start a relationship. Yet I could tell from him that he had the same feelings. Every eye contact felt like a shock.
We exchanged telephone numbers as this was necessary for his lessons. Where I was still strictly speaking about the lesson in the beginning, it soon started to trigger each other. My head was full of him. I started to feel very guilty about my own relationship. But decided to look at it for the same money, it was just a fad.
The following week he told me his relationship was over. There were too many complications within their relationship and that is why they had ended it. My heart jumped a little, could this mean that I can be with him?
I had already indicated a few times by text message that we could not send text messages to each other that way. I had a friend and did not want to risk my relationship. Yet I also indicated to him that I did not know what this was between him and me and actually did not want to say so either. He texted back that he didn’t know what this was but was sure he didn’t want it to stop. Every time he saw me he got a shock in his stomach and he wanted to be with me and I had the same feeling.
The next day we were alone in a room when a fellow colleague had to leave. We held each other for a very long time, after which he stepped back and looked at me for a long time. He gave me a kiss on the mouth but I could not answer it. Everything in me wanted it very much but I am not someone who cheats on me.
The tension started to rise more and more. The idea that we could be caught at any time only made it worse.
He came to me to ask if I wanted to walk to the main entrance because someone came to bring him something. Since I had the key I walked with him. My heart was beating so hard as if I had run a marathon. Every cell in my body wanted to be with him. He grabbed me and kissed me in the mouth. I kissed back for a few seconds but quickly turned away again. I was not allowed to do this! I had a relationship!
That evening I made the decision for myself to start a conversation with my friend. After a long and intense conversation, we decided to give each other more room.
When I texted him that we were free to do what we wanted, he was as happy as a young dog. Of course we still had to be careful that nobody found out, but at least we could see each other occasionally. The first few times we were allowed to kiss were great. I had never felt so much passion. Wanting someone so badly and having him do something with you.
The night he was with me was like coming home. He too had that feeling. There was no hassle it just felt good. We had a great night.
The next morning he texted that he thought it was terrible not being able to touch me whenever he wanted. But that it would take a few more weeks and then we could be together. We had to be careful because there were rumors that there was more going on. We therefore decided to take a little more distance. It became too dangerous and we both could not risk getting caught.
Yet there was a small voice in me that said it wasn’t quite right. He could ignore me much easier than I did him. He always texted back that it wasn’t me but that he was very busy right now and was so tired. That he really knew what he felt when he was with me and really didn’t want to lose me.
After 1.5 months everything became clear. He had been given a great opportunity for his career that he definitely had to go for. He said that in the meantime his ex wanted him back and he didn’t know what to do with it. I told him to take the time and first ensure that he was back in balance. But I clearly stated that I did not want to lose him. Three weeks later he texted me that he was back with his ex. That he must feel that he had done everything to save it before he could continue. In other words, he put us on a hold. For me this was like a slap in the face. I met him a few times. In the beginning he completely ignored me and did everything he could to avoid me. When I had to teach him again, of course, that was no longer possible and we talked about anything and everything. It felt a bit like before. But two days later he texted that he had deleted all my messages and if I wanted to do that too. His girlfriend had become suspicious and he did not want to risk it coming true.
I understand him and I understand him, but I feel so very different. Although he is now trying to keep me at a distance, I notice when I see him that we are still attracted to each other. I know that I must give him the space and that he will eventually come to a conclusion himself. But I’m having a hard time with it. Everything in me still wants to be with him. I dream a lot about him. In which I dream that we both wear masks. My own is made of iron and hurts. I therefore also want to switch it off. But his is leather and I can’t touch it.